| every time ii sit down to write something here, ii always feel like ii am writing for an empty white world. partially because my layout is such because its all void of personality or anything for that matter, but also because ii went back and privatized all of my old old entries.
and ii wasnt reporting much during my college years, although ii was trying my first year, but it wasnt happening. a lot has changed since those years, and its painful for me to read how sad and lonely ii was. and ii didnt realize it, and it shocks me now, but ii was utterly consumed by my eating disorder. ii dont know how anyone read my shit and could believe ii didnt have a problem. or that something was going on.
upon reading some of these entries, ii realize now how rash ii can be, even though ii am almost always guilty of overthinking everything else. however, ii must commend my decisions in that, whatever ii choose to go with, ii commit it to it like ii was dying tomorrow. its like whatever answer/decision first comes into my brain, it js infects it, and ii absolutely run with it.
and ii still do.
now that ii can verily see this, ii hope that changes. ii can see how ii couldve made my decisions because ii was feverish with emotion because ii had mistakenly concluded x even though it was y and z.
after college, there is a huge road ahead, and ii think a good chunk of that, ii need to be with myself.
like really.
|
