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| ii should be in bed. but ii can't sleep.
there's a knot in my chest, all tangled up inside.
trying to figure out what's going on.
but there's so many distractions
that it's hard to remember.
difficult to distinguish what's what
and what's not.
looking and searching
let's try to fill this empty void.
find that golden ball of happyness
for me to swallow.
but ii get distracted
ii get confused.
and ii forget sometimes
what's what
and what's not.
and ii get lost sometimes.
crying does no good.
and no one will hear if
ii cry out loud.
bear on.
try to move on.
cuhz letting go is too scary. | | |
| found this poem ii had written a couple years ago.
it all began with a few telephone calls
but it was enough to start the fall
of one asian family
split a branch of the growing tree
so it shrivels away
cuhz of the yelling and fighting dominating each day.
lets crawl under our sheets together
pray this hellhole will be over
ii close my eyes and see
pushing arms and chests breathing heavily
with the crack of a splintered door
the shoving continues twice more.
childish lies and stupid threats
there's still more storm to brew ii bet.
cajoling sister and ii to take sides
when all she and ii wana do is hide.
hurling verbal slaps across each other's face
home is no longer a safe place
hurting each other with searing words
these phrases that shouldnt be heard.
tears stream across our cheeks
security is all we seek
gasping for air ii can't seem to find
locking myself in the sanction of my mind
ii'm drowning in my suffocating sorrow.
praying for the next tomorrow.
a ripped shirt, an enflamed wrist
then here comes the twist
ordering us to tell the false truth
cuhz they're fighting eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
bringing back memories that come and go like the tides of a flood.
unfairly accusing him for his actions due to his blood.
men with stars come and yell for respect
they see, they realize, they detect
how broken this home has become
they know why ii pretend to be dumb.
jumbles of words are spoken
this language they try to speak is broken.
they try to explain
and it causes me pain
to see them struggle with a foreign tongue.
| | |
| hi.
it's me.
just han.
asking you, trying to plead with you
the feelings ii feel
so ii don't get hurt.
hey hey,
ii say.
no need to say those words
those words you so easily blurt.
you push me and pull me
flip me inside out.
squeeze my guts, tear at my soul
till ii'm exhausted and out of breath.
pressure pressure
pulsating at my temples.
trying to be what you want me to be
but struggling to do me.
you want it this way,
you want it that way.
ii can only do so much,
before ii break it down.
break me down.
ii make concessions to you.
will you make them for me?? | | |
| ii know you hate it when ii talk about it cuhz ii've beaten you over the head with it.
ii know you stop listening to me the minute ii get riled up about it.
ii guess ii've kind of beat it to death.
HA the dude video just said "it's just death. it's just death," right after ii finished that sentence.
ii don't even really understand why ii texted you about it since we're not on speaking terms. not that ii care to really talk to you anways cuhz you don't hear me anymore.
but ii've come to terms with that. ii'm okay with us being separate. ii've realized a lot about us, but ii don't care to share right now. it's a very detached feeling. granted, ii do miss you. and wonder what you're up to from time to time. more frequently than ii'm making it sound.
one of the biggest problem was that ii expected a lot from you. and that's a foolproof solution to getting disappointed.
but no hard feelings.
ii'm just saying.
people die.
some people come back twisted and burned.
some people stay there, broken and abused.
and you're a part of that.
and how can you deny that to me??
it's what you do.
| | |
| hi.
it's me, han.
ii miss you.
loveme.
lovehan. | | |
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